How to Survive a Total Social Collapse

 

W.A. Skeleton

W.A. Skeleton (Photo credit: MonsieurLui)

Any student of history will tell you that societies don’t last forever. The society you are in right now could collapse in 100 years…or in 10 minutes! Are you prepared?

Here are helpful steps you can take to survive the initial collapse and re-build a new society later on.

1 – Before you start going all “Rambo” on your neighbors, make sure that society is truly collapsing and it’s not just a block party that got out of hand.

2 – If you have an emergency radio, listen for government announcements telling you that this mess was caused by the previous administration.

3 – Don’t try to be a hero and risk your life for stupid reasons. Get somebody else to do it.

4 – Every social collapse in history has resulted in cannibalism. If the idea of eating other people sounds unpleasant, ask yourself if you’d rather have somebody else eat you.

5 – Many fearful and confused people will be in search of a natural leader to become willing subjects in exchange for security. This is good news is you’ve always wanted to be a revolutionary leader or benevolent dictator or wacky king.

6 – Resist the urge to declare war on neighboring tribes, which will create an atmosphere of fear and escalating violence, unless they can be easily defeated.

7 – Stray animals will become an important source of dietary protein. Instead of thinking of pigeons as “winged rats,” think of them as “petite chickens.”

8 – Wear comfortable clothes.

9 – Prepare for a future Renaissance by preserving the best of our society. You can be the nucleus for cultural rebirth after the chaos and Dark Ages by saving all those DVD box sets of “Friends” and “Everybody Loves Raymond.” It may not seem important now, but future generations will erect statues in your honor.

10 – Also preserve a large library of books which are excellent for starting fires for cooking and heating.

~ ~ ~

Scott Erickson is an award-winning writer of humor and satire. He is the author of the satirical novel The Diary of Amy, The 14-Year-Old Girl Who Saved the Earth, from which this article is excerpted.http://www.amazon.com/Diary-14-Year-Old-Girl-Saved-Earth/dp/0989831108 He lives in Portland, Oregon, and enjoys beer and roller skating (but not at the same time).

 

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Broken News in Boston!

 

Toilet paper

CNN, the Crap News Network

 

Hi, this is Blitz Geezer in Boston along with John Bland, Lance Fancy Pants and Tapioca Pudding.

 

ALL THE NEWS BOBBLEHEADS NOD INDEFINITELY.

 

BLITZ GEEZER

Since we don’t have anything new to report, we’ll talk incessantly about nothing, Tapioca.

 

LANCE FANCY PANTS

No thank you. I just ate.

 

TAPIOCA PUDDING

I think Blitz is talking to me. Well, Blitz, my source tells me that shortly before the bombing, Lance bought a pair of Dockers at the Saks Fifth Avenue that had provided authorities with key surveillance video of the bombing suspects. Lance reportedly sat down, got a salesman’s attention by waving his arms and then tried on several pairs of shoes before buying the Dockers with a credit card.

 

BLITZ

Can we get a shot of Lance’s shoes?

 

CAMERA CUTS TO LANCE’S SHOES.

 

BLITZ

Nice!

 

ALL THE NEWS BOBBLEHEADS NOD INDEFINITELY.

 

BLITZ

With all the walking we did around Boston, we all need a new pair of shoes. TOUCHES EARPIECE. One moment. We have breaking news…on Twitter. Swat teams have surrounded Suspect #2.

 

JOHN BLAND

You’re kidding. I thought Suspect #2 was in custody.

 

BLITZ

Apparently, a homeowner called authorities after seeing blood on his boat in his backyard.

 

JOHN BLAND

Who keeps a boat in a backyard the size of my bathroom?

 

BLITZ

Wait…more breaking news on Twitter. A police chopper, hovering above the yard, has infrared images of the suspect hiding inside the boat.

 

JOHN BLAND

Are you sure the suspect’s not in custody. My source told me hours ago there was an arrest.

 

BLITZ

Lance, what can you tell us. What are you seeing on the ground?

 

LANCE

A hot, steaming pile of dog shit. Apparently, a neighbor who walked his dog after the lock-down was lifted, didn’t bag the poop. I almost stepped in it with my new Dockers that I bought at the Saks that provided key video evidence to police.

 

BLITZ

Lance, are you hearing anything from your location?

 

LANCE

Let me check Twitter. HE CHECKS SMARTPHONE. Yes, Blitz. I’m hearing an exchange of gun fire and several explosions.

 

BLITZ

How ’bout you Tapioca?

 

TAPIOCA

On Facebook, their reporting that hostage negotiations are taking place.

 

LANCE

I’m listening to a live police radio broadcast from a link I got on Twitter…They just apprehended the suspect…and I’ve got a blister on my big toe from my new shoes.

 

TAPIOCA

Twitter reports that people are celebrating in the streets, and I just found a great Sushi place on Google Maps.

 

BLITZ

Now that Suspect #2 is in custody, we can replay hours of nonstop speculative yammering by reporters that preceded the arrest.

 

JOHN BLAND

Blitz, my source tells me that an arrest has been made…

 

I’m participating in Silly Sunday, hosted by Sandy of ComedyPlus.

silly-sunday-badge-250-transparent-150x150

 

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The Banker Intervention or Let’s Make a Deal

 

Day 26 of 30 Days of Writing – Today’s Writing Prompt is “An Intervention.” Please swing by We Work for Cheese to link up or read other posts by the criminally insane.

A Dramatization

INT. LIVING ROOM – EVENING

Five members of the Banker family are seated around a lavishly decorated living room. Their attention is on Betty who is standing in front of the fireplace. Her gaze follows Bob as he frantically paces the room.

BETTY BANKER

I’m really concerned about Bob.

Bob climbs on top of a piano on the wall opposite the fireplace.

BOB BANKER

Betty Banker, come on down! How much do you think I paid for that Rembrandt above the mantel? C’mon, I’ll give you three guesses. It’ll cost you nothing to guess unless you take too long. Then, I’ll have to charge a late fee.

BETTY BANKER

Bob doesn’t make sense anymore. He only wants to play games, talk about doubling his money and charging fees. That’s why I called this intervention.

BOB BANKER

C’mon, guess the price. Damn it! If you’re right, you’ll get a chance to spin the wheel. Take a risk. Show some spine. The worst that can happen. You lose your house but get a toaster.

BETTY BANKER

(Shakes head)

Every time I walk into the kitchen, Bob hands me a toaster. The other day he started charging refrigerator fees every time I open the door.

BOB BANKER

If you’re within five thousand dollars, I’ll give you the green Rolls Royce parked in the garage.

Betty’s brother Stan removes a calculator, stares at the painting and starts assessing its value.

BETTY BANKER

I can’t tell you how many times Bob has foreclosed on our house. He has a stack of foreclosure signs stuffed inside the bedroom closet. I can’t reach my shoe display anymore. That’s why I’m wearing these old things.

Betty glances at her Prada shoes.

FAMILY

Awful. Terrible. I think he needs meds.

BETTY BANKER

He charges a finance fee every day we don’t have sex. Lately, my wifely income has taken a hit. Last week alone, I lost $700.

Bob dismounts the piano and lays a hand on Horace’s shoulder.

BOB BANKER

C’mon, Horace. Take a guess. What do you have to lose?

HORACE

They already took the boat.

BOB BANKER

Isn’t this fun!!!

HORACE

Uh, no!

BETTY BANKER

He’s charging the neighbors a fixed feces fee every time their dogs crap on the lawn. The urination fee is liquid and subject to change.

STAN

I think the Rembrandt’s worth $250,000.

BOB BANKER

Sorry, Stan, that’s market value. I’m talking net value after all the auction house fees.

Bob grabs Stan’s wallet.

STAN

You didn’t say anything about market value.

BOB BANKER

It’s printed on the cocktail napkins in 2-point type.

BETTY BANKER

Yesterday, Bob chopped up the bedroom furniture and sold the pieces at a yard sale. We have no idea where the pieces are or who owns them.

Stan gets up.

BETTY BANKER

You can’t leave now. We just started.

STAN

I can’t afford the intervention.

Stan races out the door.

Bob laughs.

BETTY BANKER

What’s so funny?

BOB BANKER

He didn’t pay “the wrong answer fee.” I just had him arrested for fraud.

After exchanging concerned looks, the family vacates their chairs and leaves the house.

Betty reaches inside her purse, removes a $100 bill and hands it to Bob.

BETTY BANKER

Here, Bob.

BOB BANKER

What’s this for?

BETTY BANKER

The finance charge for later tonight.

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Favors I’d ask of Satan or Satan Party Favors

For Your Prince of Darkness’ Judgment Day,

Satan Goody Bags

 

Satan Party Favors-ThinkSpin.comSatan Party Favors-ThinkSpin.com

Personalized with a special message:

“But by the envy of the devil, death came into the world.”

- Book of Wisdom II. 24

That’s all she wrote.

Day 21: Favors I’d ask of Satan” prompt from the 30 Days of writing, creative writing challenge at “We Work for Cheese.”

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The Widowed Sock Foundation

Helping widowed socks to get back on their feet again.
Sock_puppet

Sock_puppet (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Every ten seconds, a sock spouse experiences a devastating loss, a pair torn apart by a loved one missing or maimed, worn-out from too many hikes in the woods or spins in the dryer.

Their remains tossed in the linen closet to be used as rags, or worse, sock puppets for kids.

The Widowed Sock Foundation (WSF) helps sock spouses move forward with their lives, one step at a time.

Our certified caregivers help socks regain their self-confidence and stride, while easing them back into the sock rotation at their own pace.

After a loss of a spouse, many widowed socks cling to the hope of seeing a loved one again, only to have their dreams shredded every time they’re lumped together with other single socks in the drawer.

Their lives become unraveled; their nerves frayed. Many shrink from society, lose their vibrancy and lead static lives. Many won’t even leave the drawer.

At the Widowed Sock Foundation, we employ caring, strong-minded people who always stand their ground and never pussyfoot around. Our caregivers take on every assignment with enthusiasm and grace, heart and sole, and always jump in with both feet.

Our caregivers, along with our proven twelve-step program, have changed countless socks’ lives.

English: A photograph of a sock puppet made by me.

“Thank you Widowed Sock Foundation!”

Every WSF caregiver has a doctorate in argyle and is an expert in sock psychosis. Only after passing a rigorous curriculum on “The Facts and Fallacies of Footwear Fatalities,” is a caregiver allowed into the field to consult with a sock.

For our caregivers, it’s gratifying to see a sock’s resilience as it stretches its limits, recovers its footing and mends the gap in the fabric that ripped it apart. Once a recluse in the drawer, now a single sock can enjoy playing footsies and mixing it up with other garments.

We, at the Widowed Sock Foundation, are proud of our caregivers service. Everyday, they continue to make a difference in homes and laundromats, campus laundry rooms and frat houses, preventing widowed socks from taking a suicide spin in the dryer.

Caregiver joins her striking caregivers

Caregiver joins her striking caregivers (Photo credit: Simon Oosterman)

We, at the Widowed Sock Foundation, implore you to help us in our efforts to support widowed socks get back their standing in the community and leave a positive footprint on society. By donating one sock, you can stop their needless suffering and make a single sock a pair again.

For more breaking sock news, visit The SNEE, the sometimes, eventual, express.

  • National Lost Sock Memorial Day(autumnsunshineandgabrielleangel.wordpress.com)

 

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