Reality Check: Testing, One, Two, Three.

Two Kids, boy and girl (Trysta), Watch the Par...Image by mikebaird via Flickr

A sustained screech of the microphone.

“I can’t hear you!”

Cease reality check.

Commence email check.

There are 1256 emails in my inbox. Make that 1301.

I’m trying to see how many emails I can stockpile before my mailbox explodes.

The Google says, “You are currently using 526 MB (6%) of your 7566 MB.”

Almost there! Just another day or two - A short-term goal.

Other short-term goals:

  • Check turkey in oven. Oh, that was last November. I cremated the bird.
  • Change wall calendar to reflect appropriate year. 2009 or 2010?
  • Pry open window shade stapled to frame.
  • Turn on car to make sure battery isn’t in a coma.
  • Stop Dust Bunnies from multiplying. Separate males from females.
  • Go to market, get 11 items and wait in line at the register designated “10 items or less.”

A DRAMATIC FICTIONAL REENACTMENT

I dump 11 items onto the conveyor belt, placing them in alphabetical order, in color subsets.

Cashier
(Points to sign that says ten items or less)
You have eleven items including a six-pack of beer. That makes 17.

Me
Yes and . . .?

Cashier
The sign says ten items or less.

Me
Well can I group items together? Spaghetti and sauce make a great pair.

Cashier
What kind of sauce?

Me
Vodka.

Cashier
Well, then I need to see some I.D.

Me
How ‘bout counting the wrinkles on my forehead instead. I’m sure I have more than 21.

Cashier
Need to see an I.D. Elephants and babies have wrinkles, too.

Me
How ‘bout boob droop then? Every year past 21 is equivalent to a one-inch drop.

Cashier
Just show me your license.

Remove license from wallet stuffed with beer coupons and hand it to cashier.

Cashier
Whoa! You’re way past 21. I’m surprised you’re still able to stand.

Grab license.

Me
Just check me out before I check out.

I pay for items then leave in a flight suit.

Mission accomplished!

Got to stop at the pet store to pick up Dust Bunny condoms and food.

Get A Blog Guest Post By Snuggle Wasteland

Today I am thrilled to feature a guest post by Tracie at snugglewasteland.com. If you love irreverence, honesty and just plain old fabulous writing, Tracie is the gal for you.

Get a Blog

Have you ever been listening to someone yammer on so long you get kicked out of your Happy Place for loitering?

Have you ever found yourself nodding your head and throwing in pithy encouragers because you have no idea what they are saying?

“Really?”

 “Umm…Hmm…”

“I can’t believe it!”

Do you know anyone who always has whacky stuff happen but she can’t  tell anyone because it’s too crazy or embarrassing?

Have you been cornered by a new mom who can’t shut up about her baby’s latest accomplishments.

(Usually something like looking at his hand or making extra adorable poops.)

Friends, these people need to Get A Blog.

To my long suffering husband who needs to tell his side of the story and commiserate with like-minded sports fanatics and beer drinkers. 

Get A Blog!

To my friend with the douchecanoe husband who has been cheating on her for 10 + years. Your stories would guarantee outrage and comment frenzy. If you don’t blog about him I will.

Get A Blog!

To my FB “friend” (I’m using quotes here because I only have a vague idea as to who this person is IRL) who is infinitely amused by himself and has to post a new status update/promo for his book every 15 minutes.

Some people might actually enjoy your bad puns and over use of exclamation points.
Get A Blog!

To my co-worker who loves to cook and goes into detail about every gourmet creation.

Yes, you are wonderful.

I’m on a diet.

Get A Blog!

To my MIL who is so involved in her favorite grandchild’s life (not my kids, of course) that she has to brag to the rest of the family about each hockey goal/soccer game/report card/nocturnal emission.

I tuned you out 11 years ago.

Get A Blog!

Do you know anyone who needs to Get A Blog?

Corporate Tax Avoidance Syndrome: Signs, Symptoms and Causes.

Is There a Cure
for Corporate Tax Avoidance Syndrome?

Yes, Collective Outrage!

For a nice blood pressure spike, swing by PayUpNow.org and read the list of corporations beside GE that are not paying taxes.
Although for our purposes, I’m going to shine a light on GE.
In Jayne’s latest weekend recap posted at her wonderfully witty and informative site injaynesworld, Jayne smacks down GE for not paying any U.S.Taxes in 2009 and 2010.

But is Jayne being too tough on the poor GE billionaires? Paying taxes is so proletarian.

Why shouldn’t GE be able to keep every penny of their $14.2 billion profits they made in 2010 — $5.1 billion from its operations in the United States — and spread the wealth among their top 1% earning cronies? How else will they be able to keep making those monthly payments on their yachts and planes.

After reading Jayne’s post, I was so friggin angry that I had to comment. Then Jayne commented back and suggested that I publish my response in a blog post, which is the reason we are all here today — all three of us.

This is what I wrote (slightly edited for flow):

I was just watching a report on Caterpillar Corporation. The Caterpillar CEO is threatening to move the company out of Illinois because the state raised the state income tax by 2 1/2%, which could cost the state 23,000 jobs.

Despite the fact that…

“Caterpillar’s Profits for 2010 $2.7 BILLION, An increase of 202% from 2009.”

And the CEO is complaining about paying more taxes. WTF? No problem. The middle class can pick up the slack. We’ll cut back on luxury items like vegetables and eat Ketchup instead. After all, Ketchup is another food group.

The teachers will also help reduce the corporate tax burden when they lose their jobs due to cut backs. Then the schools can pack the kids into classrooms like cattle. Because that’s all we are. Dumb cattle that follow our politicians and corporate overlords to slaughter.

What is wrong with this country? Corporations barely pay anything in taxes, aren’t taxed when they take their business overseas, and are allowed to hide their money in off shore bank accounts. No wonder the country is broke.


Warning: To my Republican friends, the following is an angry commentary on the Republican tax cuts. There’s still time to look away. 

If the Republicans have their way, funding will be cut for programs such as meals on wheels, Planned Parenthood (they provide other medical services beside abortions), nutrition, Head Start, job training grants, and EPA regulations will be eliminated.

Me thinks the Republicans want to plunge the country into an even deeper recession to completely destroy the middle class in addition to Obama’s presidency.

Sadly, George Carlin was right. Corporations run the country. We’ll be going to the video tape shortly.

Life has changed forever. Employment has changed forever. The new reality is that folks have to survive on several part-time jobs with less pay and without benefits, which isn’t anything like friends with benefits.

How do you stop an enemy that not only produces the fabric of our society but sells the fabric, too? You don’t – 1984. Now I’m really depressed.

Now, to borrow Jayne’s words: Here’s a little bit about “The American Dream” from the genius of the late George Carlin.  Recorded in 2005, it’s even more timely today…

What say you about all the bulk in corporate bank accounts?
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Lord, I’m a Ramblin’ Woman.

I was interviewed by Karen at Blazing Minds. She has a great blogger interview series in addition to other engaging content that includes blogging tips, music & film reviews, memes, as well as Twitter tips. I receive daily updates by email, which helps me stay current on all Internet related news, i.e., cyber-threats, blog ads, iPad apps, etc.

Have a look-see and you’ll see the breadth (not bread) of fascinating articles available at Blazing Minds.

FYI, like the Tardis, Blazing Minds appears smaller on the outside. You know Who would know that, thus reminding me that I need to make a doctor’s appointment.

SURREAL PICTURE OF A BLAZING FIRE. 
(I require the use of a visual aid)

Blazing FireImage by Poe Tatum via Flickr

Blazing Minds – the ultimate all-you-can-eat buffet for your eyes. That’s why I keep coming back for more.

When you get a moment, please stop by and let me know if my ramblin’ was interesting or more like a case of diarrhea of the mouth. I can’t believe I spelled diarrhea right.

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Irony or Oy Vey What a Wrinkle.

Various antique irons.Image via Wikipedia

I follow the writing prompt of the day to irony and a wrinkled blouse that gets wedged against the ironing board that stands idly by lacking interest.

With each pressing moment, blouse increasingly reacts badly to the steam. She is a shriveling mess and does not respond well to the pressure.

Poor blouse, lying glued against the weary board. She cannot escape the fact that she lacks the constitution of cotton. She is a fake after all, a synthetic fiber mutt shipped in a box from China with other motley materialistic masses.

Blouse cannot handle the truth that she will never be like her cotton counterpart that performs somersaults in the dryer, finishing her routine with a perfect ten from the judge from Lintland.

Unlike synthetic blouse, cotton remains firm under pressure and can handle the heat, even after an ironic twist of the wrist leaves a wrinkle. Cotton does not falter. The wrinkles that line her back disappear from the rejuvenating steam iron spa. After the treatment, she is refreshed and hangs out in the bar with all the trendy clothes.

While bogus blouse, with creases embedded in her shoulders, gets tossed into a pile of rags. She is now fragments of her former self, crumpled and worn, a victim of the irony and hypocrisy of being wrinkle-free.

Writing prompt, irony, provided by Studio30Plus.

Irony – an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.
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