Government Nightmares: Starring Chef Gordon Ramsay

CHEF RAMSAY
Bug off. The lot of you. You can’t make a bloody deal. What’s so bleeping hard? C’mon now! I don’t have all day.

HARRY REID
I don’t understand. I’m the head of the Senate. I’ve always made a great deal. Maybe I took the deal out of the Senate too soon.

CHEF RAMSAY
Prodding a pile of papers
Look at this!  

The pile falls, scattering papers all over the floor.

CHEF RAMSAY
This is the worst piece of shit I’ve ever seen.

JOHN BOEHNER
Weeping  uncontrollably
I don’t know what happened.

CHEF RAMSAY
You’ve got to pull yourself together, man. Focus and start it all over again.

JOHN BOEHNER
It’s the abortion component.

CHEF RAMSAY
Do you honestly expect me to believe that? Go fuck off! Pathetic, utterly pathetic. C’mon now. It’s just a deal! For Christ’s sake, I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

JOHN BOEHNER
Wipes tears with a hankie
I’m really trying, Chef. I’m head of the House. I can bake, sauté or broil a deal with one hand tied behind my back.

CHEF RAMSAY
Well get to it then, you. Move your ass or piss off.

Reid and Boehner step aside for another try at making a deal. Papers fly. Voices get louder. A fistfight breaks out. Chef Ramsey steps in and separates the two.

CHEF RAMSAY
What is bloody wrong with you? I strive for perfection. I have standards, you know. I don’t see that in either of you. Now piss off! The both of you. This deal is a total utter mess. You’ve left me no choice. Just shut it down!

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Rant Du Jour: Billionaire/Corporate Tax Cuts, What are They Good For?

Image via Wikipedia

Another Raise for the One Percent Elite?

Heaping more feed into a billionaire’s trough isn’t a Republican or a Democratic issue.  It’s an American issue.

Do Americans really want to give billionaires another raise? Do Americans really want to cut the corporate tax rate?

In order to donate more to the top 1%, Medicaid will go under the knife, cutting benefits for the most vulnerable: children, the elderly, and disabled.

Because according to Congressman Paul Ryan, it’s important to transform our social safety net into a safety hammock.

This is a future in which we will transform our social safety net into a hammock, which lulls able-bodied people into lives of complacency and dependency.

Oh, that’s right poor children, the elderly, and disabled are just lazy and complacent, always taking naps on the hammock instead of working full-time jobs. The last time I checked, we had child labor laws, unless Ryan wants to yank kids out of elementary school and put them to work on Wall Street. They’d probably do a better job.

As far as the Social Security hammock is concerned, turns out that Ryan and Social Security are old school friends.

One day as a 16 year old, Ryan came upon the lifeless body of his father. Paul Ryan, Sr. had died of a heart attack at age 55, leaving the Janesville Craig High School 10th grader, his three older brothers and sisters and his mother alone. It was Paul who told the family of his father’s death.

With his father’s passing, young Paul collected Social Security benefits until age 18, which he put away for college.

So, even though Ryan himself swung on the safety hammock for two years, others should not. I hear echoes of a politician’s hypocritic oath.

If you’d like to see which corporations and PACs contributed to Ryan’s campaign, scroll down this long list of campaign contributors, all industry and corporate heavy weights, from bankers to insurers, to right to life PACs, all those interested in dismantling the social safety net.

To my Republican friends, sure cutting the budget sounds sexy, and I agree there should be cuts. But these cuts are not about reducing the deficit. These cuts are about destroying the middle class.

Are middle class Republicans willing to take one for the team?

The budget cuts and tax cuts are not designed to help Americans. They are designed to help corporations and billionaires.

We already know that many corporations don’t even pay taxes, while stockpiling profits in offshore bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. I hear it’s lovely this time of year.

Why hasn’t ten years of billionaire tax cuts created more jobs? Because tax cuts don’t create jobs. It’s a fantasy. If anything, tax cuts just perpetuate greed.

Republicans are not just the problem. It’s politicians in general. Democrats also like to keep a hope chest of lobbyist dollars beneath the people’s seat. Sure, the Dems don’t want to see such severe budget cuts but stop the buck right here by not barbecuing all that pork. Yes, I know. Republicans like pork, too.

We all believe that we need to cut spending and reduce the deficit, but we have to be fair and smart about it. Giving billionaires and corporations a raise by cutting important life saving programs sounds pretty dumb to me.

Yes, the bureaucracy is bloated. Yes, fat needs to be cut from the budget. Privatization of industry doesn’t eliminate bureaucracy or reduce incompetency. It just creates fatter cats.

We see how well privatizing healthcare turned out. How many people have been turned down for life saving procedures or operations that ultimately led to their deaths? For corporations, it’s all about the bottom line. People are just numbers.

Just look at all the corporate profits in 2010 and the unemployment rate. It’s obvious corporations are more concerned with making profits than giving back to society. Privatizing any industry would not be good for the American people. It would be good for corporate profits.

And that is why God created lobbyists and deep pockets. At the end of the day, whoever has the most money wins. Congratulations top one percent!

Everyone else below the grade just follow the herd over the cliff, you poor pathetic sheep.

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Humor Helps but at Times There’s Nothing like a Good Rant

The Statue of Liberty front shot, on Liberty I...Image via Wikipedia

Several years ago, the universe shifted and knocked most of us off our feet, while others still reap in the rewards.

The ground is still not stable.

Every day we struggle to find a piece of debris that once was the American dream. The dream that has gotten away from most of us, that only one percent still holds.

Economic bon vivants and talking empty heads vomit words fed to them by lobbyists, while dining at restaurants, as, we, the people eat table scraps scattered on the floor.

It used to be easy to get in the door, but now there is a schism so wide it extends from shore to darkened shore, preventing us from picking up the dusty remnants of the American dream.

We dust it off the homes we have to say goodbye to.

We dust it off the cars that were repossessed.

We dust it off our savings that dies slowly, while hooked up to life support.

We lost everything we once took for granted that we can’t take for granted anymore.

But not the bankers, politicians, and CEOs. They climb higher toward the pie in the sky on the greenbacks of the people that fell beneath them.

They are royalty and fat cats, gathering the leave-behinds that get smaller in the rearview mirrors of the cars driven by every man, for he is the fool who pays taxes and follows the rules as lawyers hired by royalty help them jump through loopholes in the Cayman Islands.

But there are other places to go.

They move their corporations out of the United States to countries with lower tax rates. See the jobs disappear faster than a politician can pull a lobbyist out his ass.

Now the fat cats own the American dream, while Americans sit and dream of the way life used to be.

There was a time we derived pleasure from simplicity but nothing’s simple anymore.

Several years ago, the universe shifted and knocked most of us off our feet, while others still reap in the rewards.

How can that be? When the dream died, did it put the CEOs in charge?

When did, we, the people snuff the fire from our eyes?

The fire is our only hope for taking back the American dream. Out of the ashes our dreams will one day grow.

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Reality Check: Testing, One, Two, Three.

Two Kids, boy and girl (Trysta), Watch the Par...Image by mikebaird via Flickr

A sustained screech of the microphone.

“I can’t hear you!”

Cease reality check.

Commence email check.

There are 1256 emails in my inbox. Make that 1301.

I’m trying to see how many emails I can stockpile before my mailbox explodes.

The Google says, “You are currently using 526 MB (6%) of your 7566 MB.”

Almost there! Just another day or two – A short-term goal.

Other short-term goals:

  • Check turkey in oven. Oh, that was last November. I cremated the bird.
  • Change wall calendar to reflect appropriate year. 2009 or 2010?
  • Pry open window shade stapled to frame.
  • Turn on car to make sure battery isn’t in a coma.
  • Stop Dust Bunnies from multiplying. Separate males from females.
  • Go to market, get 11 items and wait in line at the register designated “10 items or less.”

A DRAMATIC FICTIONAL REENACTMENT

I dump 11 items onto the conveyor belt, placing them in alphabetical order, in color subsets.

Cashier
(Points to sign that says ten items or less)
You have eleven items including a six-pack of beer. That makes 17.

Me
Yes and . . .?

Cashier
The sign says ten items or less.

Me
Well can I group items together? Spaghetti and sauce make a great pair.

Cashier
What kind of sauce?

Me
Vodka.

Cashier
Well, then I need to see some I.D.

Me
How ‘bout counting the wrinkles on my forehead instead. I’m sure I have more than 21.

Cashier
Need to see an I.D. Elephants and babies have wrinkles, too.

Me
How ‘bout boob droop then? Every year past 21 is equivalent to a one-inch drop.

Cashier
Just show me your license.

Remove license from wallet stuffed with beer coupons and hand it to cashier.

Cashier
Whoa! You’re way past 21. I’m surprised you’re still able to stand.

Grab license.

Me
Just check me out before I check out.

I pay for items then leave in a flight suit.

Mission accomplished!

Got to stop at the pet store to pick up Dust Bunny condoms and food.

Get A Blog Guest Post By Snuggle Wasteland

Today I am thrilled to feature a guest post by Tracie at snugglewasteland.com. If you love irreverence, honesty and just plain old fabulous writing, Tracie is the gal for you.

Get a Blog

Have you ever been listening to someone yammer on so long you get kicked out of your Happy Place for loitering?

Have you ever found yourself nodding your head and throwing in pithy encouragers because you have no idea what they are saying?

“Really?”

 “Umm…Hmm…”

“I can’t believe it!”

Do you know anyone who always has whacky stuff happen but she can’t  tell anyone because it’s too crazy or embarrassing?

Have you been cornered by a new mom who can’t shut up about her baby’s latest accomplishments.

(Usually something like looking at his hand or making extra adorable poops.)

Friends, these people need to Get A Blog.

To my long suffering husband who needs to tell his side of the story and commiserate with like-minded sports fanatics and beer drinkers. 

Get A Blog!

To my friend with the douchecanoe husband who has been cheating on her for 10 + years. Your stories would guarantee outrage and comment frenzy. If you don’t blog about him I will.

Get A Blog!

To my FB “friend” (I’m using quotes here because I only have a vague idea as to who this person is IRL) who is infinitely amused by himself and has to post a new status update/promo for his book every 15 minutes.

Some people might actually enjoy your bad puns and over use of exclamation points.
Get A Blog!

To my co-worker who loves to cook and goes into detail about every gourmet creation.

Yes, you are wonderful.

I’m on a diet.

Get A Blog!

To my MIL who is so involved in her favorite grandchild’s life (not my kids, of course) that she has to brag to the rest of the family about each hockey goal/soccer game/report card/nocturnal emission.

I tuned you out 11 years ago.

Get A Blog!

Do you know anyone who needs to Get A Blog?

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