Companies Hiring Monkeys Instead of the Unemployed

A young female of White-fronted Capuchi Monkey...

A young female of White-fronted Capuchi Monkey (Cebus albifrons). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Image via Wikipedia


Well, now you may be out of luck unless you love a good swing on the vine.

Back in 2009, companies began hiring trained monkeys to fill empty job slots instead of unemployed workers, a practice that Jillian Hand Human Resources Manager for LockJaw Industries has found to be quite successful.

“Monkeys can learn repetitive actions just like humans but don’t require bathroom breaks or lunch hours,” said Ms Hand. “Sure they fling their feces when someone approaches a desk. But that’s why we teach an in-house clinic called “The Artful Dodger.”

“In fact,” Ms Hand continued. “Monkeys are the ideal employee. They always remain at their desk, as long as their workspace includes a vine and a bin of bananas. Monkeys never talk back, chatter away happily while they work, and don’t require raises or bonuses. They are model workers.”

Ms Hand also admitted that during job interviews, monkeys were easier to handle than unemployed job applicants.

“When dangling a job like a carrot in front of an unemployed worker’s nose, they lunge for it over the desk, upsetting pencil cases, papers, as well as stacks of cash used as bait.” We found that hiring the unemployed was bad for company morale because they’re so desperate. They pout and moan while riding the elevator, have dark rings under their eyes, and often smell like beer.”

LockJaw Industries is the pioneer in hiring monkeys and more companies may soon follow.

Temporary Agency Recruiter Miles Dirtwad agrees. “It’s definitely a trend worth watching. Lately, I’ve been placing more chimpanzees than humans for data entry and mail room positions, as well as jobs that require filing and running personal errands. Monkeys can hand deliver an interoffice memo much faster than humans. Sometimes monkeys show too much excitement by jumping up and down and screeching but employers love their enthusiasm.”

Other recruiters believe that hiring monkeys is bad for the economy and the reason for such high unemployment numbers. Mary Marcus of the Tickle Temp Agency is infuriated by the practice.

“As long as companies keep hiring monkeys to fill empty job slots and not unemployed workers, the job market will be a zoo. The jobless will continue camping outside my door crying and leaving tissues in the hallway. Sure monkeys are crackerjack typists but they’re terrible on the phone, and companies also have  seen a rise in their cleaning bills. And what about the price of bananas? The practice of hiring monkeys will not last forever.”

Jillian Hand did express some concern after a crowd of monkeys met after work at a local hang out called “The Cage.” One monkey carried a sign that said, “Yes, we want more bananas.”

She shook her head. “I hope this was an isolated incident. We had to fire the monkey. He’s back at the zoo flinging feces at people that get too close to the cage.”

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Browsing the Job Market Shelves

While searching for jobs on,, or, I always stumble upon job descriptions with spelling mistakes or over-the-top requirements. So, I’ve compiled a list of those jobs and have categorized them by market.


Agency Account Executive for Stand-up Comedian

  • Boutique agency and marketing services firm is lost without you. Well, not really. It just seems that way. Ha!
  • great creative instincts (perhaps even a creative background)ROFLMAO!
  • Responsibilities range from helping to prepare client presentations, to managing projects, to working with vendors, to washing windows (OK, no window washing – unless that’s your thing).  Stop it! Stop it! You’re killing me.
  • A college degree is mandatory, preferably from a highly-regarded schoolBWAHAHA!
  • Salary and benefits are competitive and a bonus, based on performance, may make the total compensation package beyond competitive – Beyond competitive … OMG! Hilarious.
  • Tell us why you’re the best candidate for this job and … maybe it will be yours. – I just peed myself laughing.

Superheros Wanted!!! (Account Executive)

  • Welcome! Currently searching for a few select self motivated superheroes, pirates and the occasional villain to join our elite team.    
  • All superheroes ARE self motivated unless you include Popeye.  Someone always had to shove a can of spinach down Popeye’s throat before he would save Olive Oyl.  As far as pirates and villains are concerned, pirates have peg legs and wear a patch over one eye, and villains have thick handlebar mustaches. Do you really want to project that image?   

Wanted: Personal Assistant Part Time

  • Must have above average SALES and NEGOTIATING skills Can you buy a cow with a bushel of corn?   

  • Must also have your own laptop and Internet service in your own home. – I do, but what about you?


    • PT RECEPTIONIST – INTERVIEWING TODAY!** – Tomorrow, you’ll be shit out of luck. 
    • IMMEDIATE HIRE – Too late! You missed it!
    • NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY AS WE WILL TRAIN YOU – We’re experts in mind control.

    SPECIALTY EMPLOYERS  In Store Demonstrator

    • Food Demonstrators should have the ability and desire to create an exciting, warm, fun, and friendly shopping environment. Must be familiar with food. 

    Tennis Anyone??  

    • Needed: A part-time front desk manager to work evenings and weekends at a busy tennis club. Must speak english.   

    • Once you understand the meaning of these words, start reading them aloud. Congratulations! You are now speaking English and are qualified for this job; however, the employer is not, as the word English should always be capitalized.  

      Heathcare Order Processing – For Damaged Heath Candy Bars?

      • If you are energetic, career-driven, and motivated to provide a high level of customer service in a team-based environment, then we want to hear from you! Otherwise, we do not.
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      Confessions of a Serial Plant Killer

      -Image via Wikipedia

      ~This is the third day of my incarceration in a maximum-security garden center. The florist glares at me from behind a bouquet of thorny roses, and she thinks I’m the dangerous one.

      I think we’re both the same, but she’d disagree. She cuts off the stems of plants. I cut off their heads. They look better that way.

      If only I didn’t get caught beheading a purple begonia in my neighbor’s front yard. I didn’t see the camera hidden inside a Lawn Gnome. I never liked Lawn Gnomes, with their evil little grins and pointy hats.

      At least I had the pleasure of seeing the begonia’s head fall before they took me away. Begonias are smug, gnarly-looking things. I’d do it all over again.

      The plant police picked me up just a little past noon while I plotted my next crime, kidnapping an Orchid from a greenhouse down the street. The ransom money would have paid for an electric hedge cutter I had been saving up to buy. Damn Lawn Gnome!

      They came for me while I stood in the back of my house holding a plastic bag and a roll of duct tape. They were dressed in green jumpsuits and drove a golf cart overrun with vines. They dropped a net over my head and then walked me down the driveway. As the wind picked up, I heard a broken shutter bang against the house. It reminded me of snare drums at an execution.

      The horticultural shrink asked me why I enjoyed killing plants, although, she had her own theory. She thought it had something to do with the first time I got poison Ivy. I scratched for days and had to go to school covered with calamine lotion. The kids called me pinko the clown and threw erasers at me. But the shrink was wrong. They always dig too deep into the dirt for answers and just end up with mud.

      It was simpler than that – green Jell-O in fact. I was forced to eat the stuff when I was a kid. My mother said that it was good for me because it was green like the grass. Just looking at the stuff made me retch. But she used to make me eat it any way, while she knelt at the edge of the garden shoving plants into the dirt.

      So, I gagged on green Jell-O, as she buried plants in the ground, leaving their perky little heads above soil pointed toward the sun, while I faced downward upchucking Jell-O into a dark empty pot.

      That’s why I did it, because of the green Jell-O and all the hype about photosynthesis, which has nothing to do with cameras and everything to do with air. I’d rather suffocate while taking pictures of decaying plant corpses, with tangled roots and shriveled flowers, laying in the back lot of an abandoned nursery.

      But that’s a conversation for another day with the horticultural shrink. What’s the point any way? They’ll never rehabilitate me. Plants are dirty green things and should never see the light of day. They should stay buried beneath the ground in the dark where they belong along with green Jell-O.

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      More Backside of the Unemployment Front!

      Belt Failure
      Image by mahalie via Flickr



      Receptionist MUST HAVE 4-YEAR DEGREE!! – Stop Yelling!

      Again, you MUST have a 4 year degree and you MUST be able to work evenings and weekends to qualify for consideration. You must be a control freak.
      There is no flexibility on this. Goddamn it! I understand.
      Sadly, we can only respond to resumes that fit these requirements.
      From Angry to Sad – Another Manic Episode of Job Grinders. It Ain’t a Sandwich!
      PetNurse – Not One of Hef ‘s Bunnies!
      Ability to be confident around Pets (i.e., dogs, cats, birds, reptiles, etc.) – What is an etc – a bird, reptile, or something otherworldly?
      Domestic Couple Live In (Chef/House Manager) – For the Rich and Ravenous!

      Create heart healthy, and modern spa style cuisine for family dinners.

      Must be OK with children and pets (no allergies) – Kids or Pets?

      Mailroom CoordinatorBO – With BO?
      Must have had prior experience. Solid work history a must. Handle all aspects of a busy mailroom. Degree preferred. Impeccable communication skills. Superior work ethic. A doctorate in envelope stuffing is also preferred.

      Jack of All Trades Coordinator-bos – Must have Lots of BO and Your Name Must be Jack!

      Favorite finance company needs a “jack of all trades” high-energy coordinator.  Must be poised, polished, confident, detailed, organized and super flexible to “put out fires”… in this soup to nuts role. Background in firefighting and cooking required!
      A four-year college degree reflecting a strong academic background with a minor in binge drinking is preferred. <— Yeah. I did that.
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      The Backside of the Unemployment Front.

      We're ScrewedImage by kk+ via Flickr

      What Employer’s Want!

      The war is not on terror or on global warming or on 3-foot tall green aliens. The war is on unemployment and we, the jobless, dodge bankruptcy bullets and enemy credit combatants every day while trying to capture a job on the front line of the employment field —

      The battle line has been drawn between the edge of a cliff and a green fertile pasture, in the middle lays dying bank accounts and wounded self-esteem.

      In New York City alone, the worker-to-job statistics are staggering. According to the New York Post, there are 20 people for every job, which actually may be the norm around the country, but it’s hard to find data confirming that. The government puts the figure at 5 people for every job – Can’t believe I’m linking to a Cato article – Recent college graduates in Britain are told 70 applicants for every job, which might also be the reality on this side of the pond

      When I go on an interview, the first thing an employer usually says is “I’ve had to review hundreds of resumes,” which makes me feel both good and bad. Good, because I was one of the chosen and bad, because there’s an amazing crop of job candidates out there, but only a few will be harvested for a full time job, or even a part time job if they’re lucky, the rest end up dying on the vine.

      Since it has become an employer’s market, the requirements for an Administrative Assistant job, or any job for that matter, gets sillier and sillier.

      Case in point:

      • Superstar Administrative Assistant needed 
        • Superior ability to multi-task 
      •  Smart Administrative Assistant 
        • Highly intelligent college grad, strong GPA. Really want someone with an open and engaging personality 
      • Engaging Conversationalists with a Strong Sense of Humor, Energy 
        • Must be willing to work hard, have a great sense of humor and the stamina to be on the phones all day…developing relationships and having FUN!

      • Enlightened Assistant/Social Networking Whiz 
        • Please be completely ethical, punctual, and generous of spirit

      Take a look at this employer’s list of questions I received in an automated email response after sending my resume.

      Let’s play 21 Questions! Really! There were 21 questions.

      There are no right or wrong answers – just a matter of how you interpret the questions.

                1. Please give me a description of ‘the perfect job’.

        • Include a description of how this job accentuates your strengths and minimizes your weaknesses (feel free to share what you believe your strengths and weaknesses to be).
          • Are these things that you enjoy doing or have to do?

                    2. If you had one day to do anything you wanted, what would it be?

                    3. Please organize the following statement so that it is in an easy to understand format:

            • The two bedroom condo offers 1500 square feet with 2 bathrooms and is listed for $350,000 while the three bedroom condo offers 2200 square feet and is listed for $412,000 but has 2 1/2 bathrooms and the two bedroom condo with just 400 square feet more than the other 2 bedroom condo also has 1 extra full bathroom and is only 10% more in price.

                      4. Please put the following words into a logical sequence:  discussion, greeting, questions, presentation, introduction, follow-up

                      5. Imagine that you are working in the office while I am out with a client and one of our Seller-clients calls to say that they want to speak with me.  What would you do?

                      6. Please select (and indicate which) one of the two word pairings that best describes you:

            • gregarious/reserved
            • conservative/free-spirited
            • funny/serious
            • rational/spontaneous
            • casual/systematic
            • detailed/cursory

                      7. For each of the following questions, please indicate which response best represents how it relates to you: (be honest!)

                             a) This statement about me is completely true
                             b) This statement about me is mostly true
                             c) This statement can be true or false but it depends on things
                             d) This statement about me is mostly false
                             e) This statement about me is completely false

                      8. I like things to be organized a certain way, and I like for them to continue being organized in that fashion

                      9. I always plan my day ahead. I even make room for contingencies in my daily plan.

                    10. I have a clear idea of where I should be (and when) and seldom get late for appointments.

                    11. I work in an organized fashion and do not like to create a mess or to work in a mess.

                    12. I am always ready with a plan “B” so that in case things do go wrong, at least I don’t have to waste my time thinking as to what to do.

                    13. I adhere to deadlines and people would seldom find me rushing at the last minute to get the job done.

                    14. I keep all my belongings (books, CDs etc.) alphabetically or according to any another rule.

                    15. There is very little going on in my life which is not a part of my plans.

                    16. I am always on the lookout for things or ideas that can get me organized in a better way.

                    17. At work, I have plans to rise to a position of more responsibility within a year from now.

                    18. People who know me would vouch for the fact that I am punctual.

                    19. I am always prepared for even the “worst case scenario”.

                    20. My employer relies heavily on me as he is aware of my immense organization skills.

                    21. Please list 3 questions that you would like answered before you would consider meeting for an interview.

            I look forward to hearing back from you!  If for some reason you decide that you do not wish to pursue this position I would ask that you kindly let me know that.

             My response:

                      I would not like to pursue this position because

                           a. This is the most ridiculous, insulting, list of questions I have ever received.
                           b. You sound like too much of a control freak.
                           c. You should be spending your time speaking to people face-to-face rather than compiling a list of such idiotic questions.

            Any one want to play?

            Perry at Momma Politico and Glenn at Man-Over-Board have written posts on the unemployment situation. Please swing by their blogs when you have a chance and give them some of your love. Perry suggested I post the employer’s email response as a magazine quiz. It was sort of like one.

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