More Planes in the Sky – Less People on the Ground.

low flying airplanesCaution: Low Flying Planes Image via Wikipedia 

A letter in support of more commercial flights over quiet bucolic communities. 


Dear Editor,

A recent FAA directive rerouting flights from major city airports over suburban areas is a much-needed public initiative.

The directive will greatly improve the lives of neighborhood residents by keeping people inside away from hazardous conditions outdoors.

In just a few weeks time, local governments will see a reduction in bloated EMT budgets from numerous 911 calls involving deadly yard incidents.

Technicians will no longer work overtime responding to emergency fingernail hangings, hair branch strangulations, or deadly head-on toe collisions. This will save health insurers millions of dollars a year in addition to putting money back into taxpayer’s pockets.



Additional plane exhaust falling into our lakes and wells will only improve the taste of bland drinking water by adding savory bits of aerosol, sulfuric acid, and engine soot. Just add a twist of lime and – voila!


While some will grumble at the sight of more planes overhead, I will sigh with relief. There’s nothing like the soothing rumble of a low flying 757 at 7 a.m. in the morning to drown out the sound of woodpecker demolition crews and loud gossipy crows.

No more evenings wasted spending hours gazing skyward in excruciating wonderment, guessing whether a bright speck is a star or planet, as I will be comforted in knowing that they’re all likely planes.



The affects of nature’s seasonal hazards will be a problem of the past. No more lost or stolen ATM cards dropped from frozen numb fingers during icy winter months or strained eyelid muscles from squinting at harsh summer light.

And perhaps, in the not-too-distant future when the sky is completely blanketed with planes, sunlight will no longer filter to the ground, harming us with dangerous UV rays.



Thank you, FAA. I applaud your decision to enrich our lives by overcrowding our skies and saving us from nature’s horrific elements.



Sincerely,

A concerned citizen and FAA employee.

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APB out on missing muse!

Officer: Description of Muse?

Me:        I’m drawing a blank.

Officer: Height, weight . . .?

Me:        I’ve got nothing.

 

This is a repost from November 2009; dedicated to Kathy, an extremely talented blogger, the brains behind The Junk Drawer, and author of the recent post “I Lost My Writing Mojo.”

Today is a perfect repost kind of day, as I am suffering from brain fluff, which is similar to toe jam, but nothing like strawberry jam, unless it ends up between your toes.

Just thinking about writing a thoughtful post hurts, as I continue my search for the door jam I misplaced after jamming my toe on the door’s threshold. It’s tough having a low threshold for pain. Just ask Leeuna at My Mind Wandered and her latest post Neener, Neener, Neener – What’s in a name.

Here now the repost … muttering of intelligible words and banging of head against the wall.

Some days that door just won’t open no matter how many times you try to jimmy the lock. You bang on the door, but silence responds with the sound of one hand clapping. Your muse is not there. She has abandoned you and didn’t even have the decency to leave a more detailed note, other than, “No Admittance.”

What’s that all about? You stare at the note for an hour or two, until the words become a Rorschach blur on the door. Stuck is what you are. No muse. No fuse.

Thomas Edison once said, “Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration.” He often added. “I never did anything worth doing by accident, nor did any of my inventions come by accident. They came by work.”

Yet, Thomas Edison was lucky enough to have that one percent inspiration to help him break a sweat. I’m as dry as a community pool in the Sahara desert. At least I won’t have to worry about underarm stains while I wait. I check my cell. No messages. Muses can be so inconsiderate, unaware of the torment they cause when they abandon their inspirational freelance gigs for extended time off. How ironic? They who cause others to break a sweat never sweat themselves.

How often does your muse take time off?

LOL! Didn’t realize the comments reposted, too.

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Companies Hiring Monkeys Instead of the Unemployed

A young female of White-fronted Capuchi Monkey...

A young female of White-fronted Capuchi Monkey (Cebus albifrons). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Image via Wikipedia

 
OUT OF WORK?

Well, now you may be out of luck unless you love a good swing on the vine.

Back in 2009, companies began hiring trained monkeys to fill empty job slots instead of unemployed workers, a practice that Jillian Hand Human Resources Manager for LockJaw Industries has found to be quite successful.

“Monkeys can learn repetitive actions just like humans but don’t require bathroom breaks or lunch hours,” said Ms Hand. “Sure they fling their feces when someone approaches a desk. But that’s why we teach an in-house clinic called “The Artful Dodger.”

“In fact,” Ms Hand continued. “Monkeys are the ideal employee. They always remain at their desk, as long as their workspace includes a vine and a bin of bananas. Monkeys never talk back, chatter away happily while they work, and don’t require raises or bonuses. They are model workers.”

Ms Hand also admitted that during job interviews, monkeys were easier to handle than unemployed job applicants.

“When dangling a job like a carrot in front of an unemployed worker’s nose, they lunge for it over the desk, upsetting pencil cases, papers, as well as stacks of cash used as bait.” We found that hiring the unemployed was bad for company morale because they’re so desperate. They pout and moan while riding the elevator, have dark rings under their eyes, and often smell like beer.”

LockJaw Industries is the pioneer in hiring monkeys and more companies may soon follow.

Temporary Agency Recruiter Miles Dirtwad agrees. “It’s definitely a trend worth watching. Lately, I’ve been placing more chimpanzees than humans for data entry and mail room positions, as well as jobs that require filing and running personal errands. Monkeys can hand deliver an interoffice memo much faster than humans. Sometimes monkeys show too much excitement by jumping up and down and screeching but employers love their enthusiasm.”

Other recruiters believe that hiring monkeys is bad for the economy and the reason for such high unemployment numbers. Mary Marcus of the Tickle Temp Agency is infuriated by the practice.

“As long as companies keep hiring monkeys to fill empty job slots and not unemployed workers, the job market will be a zoo. The jobless will continue camping outside my door crying and leaving tissues in the hallway. Sure monkeys are crackerjack typists but they’re terrible on the phone, and companies also have  seen a rise in their cleaning bills. And what about the price of bananas? The practice of hiring monkeys will not last forever.”

Jillian Hand did express some concern after a crowd of monkeys met after work at a local hang out called “The Cage.” One monkey carried a sign that said, “Yes, we want more bananas.”

She shook her head. “I hope this was an isolated incident. We had to fire the monkey. He’s back at the zoo flinging feces at people that get too close to the cage.”

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Browsing the Job Market Shelves

While searching for jobs on Monster.com, HotJobs.com, or Craigslist.org, I always stumble upon job descriptions with spelling mistakes or over-the-top requirements. So, I’ve compiled a list of those jobs and have categorized them by market.

UPSCALE NICHE EMPLOYERS

Agency Account Executive for Stand-up Comedian

  • Boutique agency and marketing services firm is lost without you. Well, not really. It just seems that way. Ha!
  • great creative instincts (perhaps even a creative background)ROFLMAO!
  • Responsibilities range from helping to prepare client presentations, to managing projects, to working with vendors, to washing windows (OK, no window washing – unless that’s your thing).  Stop it! Stop it! You’re killing me.
  • A college degree is mandatory, preferably from a highly-regarded schoolBWAHAHA!
  • Salary and benefits are competitive and a bonus, based on performance, may make the total compensation package beyond competitive – Beyond competitive … OMG! Hilarious.
  • Tell us why you’re the best candidate for this job and … maybe it will be yours. – I just peed myself laughing.

Superheros Wanted!!! (Account Executive)

  • Welcome! Currently searching for a few select self motivated superheroes, pirates and the occasional villain to join our elite team.    
  • All superheroes ARE self motivated unless you include Popeye.  Someone always had to shove a can of spinach down Popeye’s throat before he would save Olive Oyl.  As far as pirates and villains are concerned, pirates have peg legs and wear a patch over one eye, and villains have thick handlebar mustaches. Do you really want to project that image?   

Wanted: Personal Assistant Part Time

  • Must have above average SALES and NEGOTIATING skills Can you buy a cow with a bushel of corn?   

  • Must also have your own laptop and Internet service in your own home. – I do, but what about you?

    QUICKIE JOB MART 

    • PT RECEPTIONIST – INTERVIEWING TODAY!** – Tomorrow, you’ll be shit out of luck. 
    • ENERGY COMPANY/ ONLY 3 POSITIONS LEFTMake that two!
    • IMMEDIATE HIRE – Too late! You missed it!
    • NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY AS WE WILL TRAIN YOU – We’re experts in mind control.

    SPECIALTY EMPLOYERS  In Store Demonstrator

    • Food Demonstrators should have the ability and desire to create an exciting, warm, fun, and friendly shopping environment. Must be familiar with food. 

    Tennis Anyone??  

    • Needed: A part-time front desk manager to work evenings and weekends at a busy tennis club. Must speak english.   

    • Once you understand the meaning of these words, start reading them aloud. Congratulations! You are now speaking English and are qualified for this job; however, the employer is not, as the word English should always be capitalized.  

      Heathcare Order Processing – For Damaged Heath Candy Bars?

      • If you are energetic, career-driven, and motivated to provide a high level of customer service in a team-based environment, then we want to hear from you! Otherwise, we do not.
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      Confessions of a Serial Plant Killer

      -Image via Wikipedia

      ~This is the third day of my incarceration in a maximum-security garden center. The florist glares at me from behind a bouquet of thorny roses, and she thinks I’m the dangerous one.

      I think we’re both the same, but she’d disagree. She cuts off the stems of plants. I cut off their heads. They look better that way.


      If only I didn’t get caught beheading a purple begonia in my neighbor’s front yard. I didn’t see the camera hidden inside a Lawn Gnome. I never liked Lawn Gnomes, with their evil little grins and pointy hats.

      At least I had the pleasure of seeing the begonia’s head fall before they took me away. Begonias are smug, gnarly-looking things. I’d do it all over again.

      The plant police picked me up just a little past noon while I plotted my next crime, kidnapping an Orchid from a greenhouse down the street. The ransom money would have paid for an electric hedge cutter I had been saving up to buy. Damn Lawn Gnome!

      They came for me while I stood in the back of my house holding a plastic bag and a roll of duct tape. They were dressed in green jumpsuits and drove a golf cart overrun with vines. They dropped a net over my head and then walked me down the driveway. As the wind picked up, I heard a broken shutter bang against the house. It reminded me of snare drums at an execution.

      The horticultural shrink asked me why I enjoyed killing plants, although, she had her own theory. She thought it had something to do with the first time I got poison Ivy. I scratched for days and had to go to school covered with calamine lotion. The kids called me pinko the clown and threw erasers at me. But the shrink was wrong. They always dig too deep into the dirt for answers and just end up with mud.

      It was simpler than that – green Jell-O in fact. I was forced to eat the stuff when I was a kid. My mother said that it was good for me because it was green like the grass. Just looking at the stuff made me retch. But she used to make me eat it any way, while she knelt at the edge of the garden shoving plants into the dirt.

      So, I gagged on green Jell-O, as she buried plants in the ground, leaving their perky little heads above soil pointed toward the sun, while I faced downward upchucking Jell-O into a dark empty pot.

      That’s why I did it, because of the green Jell-O and all the hype about photosynthesis, which has nothing to do with cameras and everything to do with air. I’d rather suffocate while taking pictures of decaying plant corpses, with tangled roots and shriveled flowers, laying in the back lot of an abandoned nursery.

      But that’s a conversation for another day with the horticultural shrink. What’s the point any way? They’ll never rehabilitate me. Plants are dirty green things and should never see the light of day. They should stay buried beneath the ground in the dark where they belong along with green Jell-O.

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