Sherlock Holmes (Photo credit: givingnot@rocketmail.com)

Hey, you blanking page. What happened to the Font family?

They vanished somewhere between the margins, their characters decimated by Jihadist spelling terrorists.

Alas, I fear the fragment may be dead, but I can’t find the body of words.

I need an English detective to solve the case – Sherlock Holmes. Prep your pipe and tip your bowler.

Holmes turns to Watson.

“The Delete key killed the words this time, not the Butler.”

Delete key on PC keyboard (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Are you sure, Holmes?”

“Why yes. Don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime – no evidence or DNA. Just D.O.A. Yes, I dare say, the delete key is a letter of interest.”

“We should put it under surveillance, Holmes.”

“Quite right, perhaps, a desktop disguised as a potted plant. And it doesn’t need sunlight or water.”

The conjectures stopped there.

Watson and Holmes suddenly left the scene after an incident with the Device Manager, who accidentally ejected them from the case.

Oh, well. The desktop has limited memory anyway. 2.99 Gigabytes that gobble up RAM and fragment jam that get stuck between the CPU and a hard drive.

Who cares? They’re only words and memory of words in this version of Word, an ecosystem of micro bits on the page.

If a biologist were to study the desktop habitat, he would find infinite lifeforms amid the fonts. The most noble one of all, the infamous Font de Leon, a blue-blooded Times New Roman.

With his sidekick Thesaurus, he wanders around the white drifts of spaces in a quest to find the perfect word.

One day, while traveling through the mirage of pages, the Font closed the window and lost his way. There was no turning back and no keyboarding forward. All is lost when there’s nothing to save.

This is the heartbreak of Psoriasis and flaky fingers tapping letters that don’t know an “a” from an “n” but know when a sentence ends.

Meanwhile, the Recount de Calisto hired a courier to hunt down the Algerian, who was seen lingering amid rebellious lowercase letters, along with a petulant typeface that demanded attention in bolded UPPERCASE words.

Big Boned™ Rounded Typeface (Photo credit: _Untitled-1)

All of the letters promptly disappeared in the quicksand of the document, an accidental demise, and not a felony by the prime suspect, Delete, the key to every crime.

I’m a mother with a son, two dogs and cat

I try to cook and clean but fail at that

After work, I want time to clear my head

But have to feed the dogs and cat instead

If they don’t get dinner, they get under my feet

When you fall on your face, it’s harder to scream

I’m just a gal with a job, a hubby and kid

Got no time for a facial or sweet spot to fill

Want a safe-room to hide from my family and pets

Sitting alone in the dark is as good as it gets

After the dogs and cat got food in their gut

Got to make an ingestible for my husband and son

If I don’t feed them, they get cranky and gruff

Don’t want a coup on my hands while juggling stuff

Cook is a four-letter word and meal is, too.

Can’t my family get their own damn food?

I’m just a gal with a job, a hubby and kid

Got no time for a facial or sweet spot to fill

Want a safe-room to hide from my family and pets

Sitting alone in the dark is as good as it gets

Gotta put food in the fridge or on the counter it sits

The stack in the sink needs a dishwasher rinse

I stick them on the shelf, as if a piece of puzzle to fit

If I put them in wrong, there’s no place for a dish

Want to push all the buttons and begin the soak

Before I stumble into hubby in the comatose zone

My son’s M.I.A., stuck in the World Wide Web

Outside, the dogs avoid the shock of the electric fence

Suddenly, the cat wants to be my friend

She shows it be scratching the counter’s edge

“Stop it!” I scream, then she hits the catnip

Hubby wakes up barking with the dogs, who want to come in

Oh, God, I don’t wanna open that door

I’ll never get a moment of quiet time du jour

Just want one day to clear my head of crap

That’s why I wrote this half-baked Mother’s Day Rap

I’m just a gal with a job, plus a hubby and kid

Got no time for a facial or sweet spot to fill

Want a safe-room to hide from my family and pets

Sitting alone in the dark is as good as it gets

Literary Agent, Janet Reid, periodically holds a flash fiction contest (100 words or less) at her blog.

For the last contest, we had to include the following words:

double
trouble
bubble
twin
spin

I didn’t win but had fun writing this 100-word piece.

Warning: Left-wing political satire. Last chance to bail out before I rip dimwit Mitt and the far right twits. Sounds like a Doo-Wop group.

Double Trouble

In the Spin Galaxy of the Wingnut Zone, King Rush’s dimmer twin, Putz, hijacked the royal space bubble with cyborg pal, Trouble.

Equipped with sunspot acceleration, the bubble popped into the earth’s atmosphere above the Cayman Islands. After pinpointing the location of the 1% vault, Putz said, “Trouble, you’re programmed to become Mitt Romney’s double with a hint of Groucho wit.”

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” said Trouble. “Romney’s a bigger stiff than Nixon.”

“Silence! We proceed as planned. Kidnap Mitt, strap him to the roof of the bubble and travel the universe until after the election.”

Note the effects of centrifugal force from riding on the roof of a space bubble.

Mitt Romney - Caricature (Photo credit: DonkeyHotey)

The silence in my head speaks louder than the brain gremlins feeding on muse droppings and thought decay.

All those lovely ideas scribbled on Post-it-Notes and envelopes, screaming to be saved. They telepathically collect rejection slips, while waiting in the dark chamber of neglect in the lobby of paper limbo.

Post-It Note Impression No. 13 (Photo credit: Kevin H.)

I’m still working out the details of the rescue with a team of Navy SEALS that moonlight weekends at the circus balancing ballpoint pens on their noses.

It doesn’t instill confidence. I know. But at least they’re making money, while waiting for my signal to board the bridge to nowhere that extends from the real world to the creative universe in my head.

quinn (Photo credit: fiddle oak)

It’s a busy place with monochrome ghosts and black holes sucking up the air. Where are the Immigration dudes when you need them? – On the beach of Cozumel sipping Mai Tais with secret service hookers and little green men.

Little green men figure (Photo credit: twistypiper)

Is there poetic justice? No. Writing just is a twist of fate.

Photo from the Ridgefield Patch

Lately, the trees fall down and don’t get up. A graveyard of twigs and leaves still cover the ground from the October nor’easter that whacked our town on its way to the North Pole, which is lovely this time of year.

Polar bears slip and slide on icebergs in the frosty wilderness and take holiday on the south side of the Pole.

Three Polar bears approach the USS Honolulu, 280 miles from the North Pole. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

They can see Russia from their lounge chairs and enjoy watching movies about humans succumbing to suburban pratfalls in the dark. In the suburban wilderness, lights don’t shine at night and lead folks to their doors. Instead, they trip into black holes and fall into morning.

200608 - Assateague - 209803191_57656e6c6b_o - black hole sun - what happened?!?!?! - (by Christian) (Photo credit: Rev. Xanatos Satanicos Bombasticos (ClintJCL))

At 5:30 a.m., the alarm clock rocks the room, as orange slits of light impales the eyes.

Thud, thud, thud is the sound in my head or is it on the access road – kids playing basketball or an idea knocking in my brain. An enormous fruitful idea that I need to squeeze out my ears unless they’re clogged. Then, the ideas flow from the pen I left on the nightstand. Words scrawled in the dark I hope I can read and don’t disappoint me.

After Jim stumbles out of bed into the bathroom for a session of shower shock therapy, the dog migrates to his side and settles on the folds of the comforter left warm from the respite of a night of sleep.

In the country, a surreal air of weightlessness breathes when I breathe. I follow it down the street where sightless sky converges with faux road, that winds uphill past speckled lights in the picture windowed homes.

The clerk yelled, “Next!”

Tesco punctuation (Photo credit: cole007)

I stepped up to the counter.

“What can I get you?” he asked.

I stared at the seemingly infinite choices on the shelf.

“Well?” The clerk glared at me.

“Uh . . .”

“Hesitation is a sign of weakness. This is no place for the meek. You need fortitude to pick among all the items on the shelf. No guts, no turn. Time for you to step aside.”

I white-knuckled the counter, exhaled and then channeled the confidence of Brangelina. “I can do this,” I muttered to myself. “I’m ready,” I said.

“Too late. Next!”

I wouldn’t budge. Even the much feared tap on the shoulder from the customer next in line didn’t make me waver. “I won’t leave until I get what I came for.”

Grumbling from behind.

I glanced over my shoulder. The line had doubled in size since I had taken my place at the counter. I shrugged and turned to face the clerk.

The clerk glanced across the room. A sheen of sweat covered his brow. “Okay, okay. Just relax.” His gaze settled back onto me. “Fine. Tell me what you want, and then get out.”

A smile curved my lips. “Etc . . . ,” I said.

Et cetera I presume "etc..." is the name of a company! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“What’s that?”

“Etc . . .  is the thing I’m looking for.”

“The power of infinite mores,” the clerk gasped. “My God, I didn’t think it was possible. Are you sure you don’t want a semi colon instead?”

“As soon as you give me et cetera, I will leave.”

The clerk’s cheeks blanched, as he whirled around to face the shelves. After searching from one end to the other, he grabbed something, turned and stuffed it into a bag.

“Is that it?” I asked.

The clerk nodded and stapled the bag shut. “Take it!”

I grabbed the bag and held it against my chest.

“Now, get out!”

“But I haven’t paid for it yet.”

“You will,” he warned. “No one gets an etc. without paying for it.”

A lump lodged inside my throat, as I followed the line out the door.

“You’re a fool,” shouted a man with a bulbous-shaped head. “We need boundaries.”

“That may be true for you,” I said. “But I always need something to look forward to.”

 What’s your favorite punctuation mark?

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A clipped post from coupon week never published until today, the expiration date. Actually, it’s good until Judgment Day.

Guest Post: This article was written by Ella Davidson of Coupons.org. Coupons.org offers Amazon coupons as well as informative articles for consumers to make smart shopping decisions.

Extreme Couponing (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

COUPONING CHAMPIONSHIP FOR THE GOLDEN SHOPPING CART

INT. SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT

MALE VOICEOVER

“These contestants are hoping to land a spot here in Las Vegas at this cutthroat championship event. The competition will shatter records with backbreaking hauls and gut-wrenching checkouts.

“At checkout, several contestants collapse from exhaustion while calculating a $4,000 shopping bill – Intense, heartbreaking, challenging.”

FADE TO BLACK

This could have been a commentary from a sporting event but, in fact, was an excerpt from the final episode of TLC’s show, Coupon Cutting All Stars.

At the couponing championship, Callie the Coupon Cutting queen set a TLC record with a savings of 114% and took home the Golden Shopping Cart.

The store paid Callie 14% cash from using coupons with her purchase, a minimum of $70 if she had spent $500, the least amount of money contestants can spend to qualify for a spot on TLC’s Extreme Couponing.

How glorious it would be to convert a cache of clippings into a basket full of groceries and a pocket full of cash.

But be careful what you wish for. Too much free stuff comes with a price.

One contestant ended up with 112 coffee drinks and 60 bags of free dog treats. Not the ideal diet for a growing family. The reason the contestant donated the items to charity at the end of the show.

In spite of the over-the-top nature of Extreme Couponing, the results are often impressive. At times, contestants pay $0 for a $1,000 or $2,000, or even a $4000 checkout bill.

But at what cost?

To compete for a spot on Coupon Cutting All Stars, many contestants will spend more than 20 hours a week training by walking, exercising, and performing practice checkout runs with the help of friends and family. Some contestants will even train more than 40 hours a week.

An average consumer probably wouldn’t spend 40 hours a week cutting coupons to save money on items he doesn’t need.

If you’re new to couponing, it’s a good idea to pace yourself rather than prepare for a trip to the supermarket, as if training for a marathon.

TLC recommends that you “start small and work your way up.”

• Start by buying in bulk. The storage space you have at home should dictate the level of bulk you purchase
• Only buy items when you need them.

“Forget about loyalty to any one brand,” TLC says.

• Instead, focus on getting deals on the right products, not specific brands. Your shopping needs could change week-to-week.
• Don’t stock up on items you don’t need just because they’re a good price. Or you could end up with 112 jars of coffee and 60 bags of low-end dog treats.
• Start couponing slowly and gradually reduce your grocery bill—perhaps 20% to start—and after a while, the savings will really add up.

If you follow this advice, not only will your grocery bill decrease, but you may have enough food leftover to donate to the community – Because 200 cans of yams maybe a deal you can’t pass up.

Related articles

• Why I Did Not Audition For “Extreme Couponing” (suddenlyfrugal.com)
• ‘It’s Like An Orgasm’ (Photos) (huffingtonpost.com)

That’s “dos” in Espanol or “two” in English, my native tongue. Sounds like a sci-fi thriller. “My Native Tongue” – it came from outer space and wiped out an entire planet lickety-split! Get it now on DVD!

But that would distract from the point.

What was the point?

Ah, yes, that those knuckleheads at TribalBlogs.com are dangling another contest carrot in front of your face. Are you gonna bite it, the carrot?

Carrots are rich in antioxidant nutrients and delicious, too, even though this is a virtual carrot, minus the taste and chew difficulty factor.

But if you’re still paying attention, don’t pass up this opportunity to lift your sagging blog butt by winning Tribal Blogs Extreme Blog Makeover Contest.

And now dah rules:

• Write creative post on your own blog about why you want or need an Extreme Blog Makeover
• Subscribe to the Tribal Blogs Newsletter (use the box on the top of the sidebar)
• Link to this post within your entry post
• Tell everyone on Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, and Linkedin about the contest (don’t forget to like us on Facebook and follow us on Pinterest and Twitter)
• Enter by leaving the URL to your post in the comments here by Friday, March 30th at 11:59pm
• Entrants will be narrowed down to 4 and voted on by readers starting Monday, April 2nd
• Polls close Friday at 5pm
• Winner will be announced Monday, April 9th, 2012

Get creative, tell a tale, a tall tale or corkscrew tale with polka dots if necessary, about why your website needs an Extreme Blog Makeover. The post must link back to this page.

You have until Friday March 30, 2012 at midnight to enter.

Last Extreme Blog Makeover Winner …

Salmonlikethefish.com

Pssst … I got an Extreme Blog Makeover,too.

Think Spin Grand Reopening After Extreme Blog Makeover

So, get off . . . er back on your butts and enter now!

The Google Friend Connect widget, once populated with faces on my sidebar, now appears empty and clueless, a border of its former self.

On March 1st, Google discontinued Google Friend Connect on all non Blogger sites. Since that day “that will live on in infamy,” I’ve tried to find a Google Friend Connect plugin or widget that works on a WordPress site.

So far, no luck in finding one.

To avoid a brain melt, I decided to put Google Friend Connect on hold and add Google Plus to my sidebar. I found a Google Plus plugin, activated it and then – nothing.

Okay, I admit I’m a bit of a technotard. Solving technical problems makes my brain hurt and sends me into apoplectic shock. My right brain overrides my left brain and chaos ensues, then I lose ability of all cognitive thought, also known as a fluster fuck.

When I get flustered, I start foaming at the mouth and overlook the important words on a page. Kind of like hysterical blindness or a blank ditz moment.

Because when words look like this . . .

<embed src=”yourfile.mid” autostart=”true” hidden=”false” loop=”false”>
&amp;lt;&amp;lt;span class=”hiddenSpellError” pre=”"&amp;gt;bgsound&amp;lt;/span&amp;gt; src=”yourfile.mid” loop=”1″&amp;gt;

My eyes glaze over like a doughnut.

I really need a good technology shrink.

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