An unnamed source in my head has credible intelligence suggesting that Canada is behind the recent blast of frigid air that has slammed the northern section of the United States.
To purge itself of freezing temperatures, Canada, reportedly, conspired with El Niño, La Niña and Mother Nature, or Madre Naturaleza, to blast a polar air mass across the Alaskan border into U.S. airspace. Just days after an arctic air outbreak forced the closure of several Canadian schools now under quarantine.
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Beam Me Up Honey!
Homestead Barco Transporter
Homestead Barco Transporter for People Who Hate to Exercise
Climbing up a flight of stairs can be tedious and exhausting, especially after a long day at the office. Hiking up twenty steps is the last thing you want to do and risk straining a muscle or falling down stairs.
With the Homestead Barco Transporter, the only step you take is into our highly customizable hover pod with comfy chair, Wi-Fi hookup, cup holders and folding tray table/steering wheel. Rising two feet off the floor, the Barco Transporter easily passes over thresholds and toys scattered across a room.
The Barco’s flexible design provides angle up and angle down trajectory with a turn of the steering wheel, and adjusts to fit through narrow doorways and corridors. The state-of-the art propo-air-flow motor propels it forward and in reverse.
Every Barco Transporter comes with its own helium tank. And refill tanks are delivered right to your door by a local Barco Transporter helium dealer.
You’ll relax in luxury as the Homestead Barco Transporter whisks you from room-to-room on a cushion of air.
No more sprained ankles from tripping over the dog or cat. No more breathless sprints to the bathroom or panicked runs to the baby’s room. Just speak a command into the microphone, and the Homestead Barco Transporter will take you to your pre-programmed destination.
The HomesteadBarco Transporter is available in single or double units, reaches speeds up to ten miles per hour and is tough enough to handle the outdoor elements. Windshield wipers, heated cushions and rumble seat can be purchased separately, along with our highly intuitive one-touch chauffeur sleep mode.
If you order now, you’ll receive a month’s supply of helium and free scheduled maintenance for the propo-air-flow motor.
Why take a chance with physical exercise when you can hover in luxury in a Homestead Barco Transporter, a tech essential for inside and outside the house.
In two weeks, a hurricane, election and nor’easter passed through the collective consciousness – I wasn’t conscious. A week without electricity, another (almost) without cable, rendered me comatose.
On election day, a political discussion with a member of the opposing party didn’t go well. Not a good day to discuss politics. Note to self.
The week before, Hurricane Sandy blew past spicy hot Jamaican waters then headed north toward the east coast, breaking wind in Connecticut.
Afterward, the unwelcome guest left a mess.
We were the first to lose power on Monday, 10/30, at noon, the same day we received the warning: widespread outages expected. Not auspicious news for many of us in town hooked on well water – no electricity, no toilets – shit out of luck!
Unless, a noisy gas-guzzling generator plugs into the vitals in a house – water heater, fridge, microwave, and well, the well. We’re fortunate to have one, gas fumes, and all.
By Monday night, the entire town lost power. The day after, people wandered the streets dazed, waiting for the utility trucks that arrived five days later, eight days, for others.
On Thursday, 11/1, I drove into town, negotiating the obstacle course on the back roads, littered with deceased trees strangled by power lines. Like a game of Chutes and Ladders, a potential dead-end loomed around every corner.
A ten-minute drive stretched into a twenty-five minute odyssey; past flattened fences, upended trees and dismembered branches. Power lines flung across the road like spaghetti.
I spotted a CL&P car parked along a street. The driver looked like a retiree. “Any news on the restoration?” I asked.
Screaming, “Any news on the restoration?”
“They’ll be making an announcement later.”
If they made one, I missed it, because I had no fucking way of hearing one – CL&P, you suck! – or watching the election on Tuesday – Comcast, you suck!
Last year, at the same time, we lost power for 10 days following another October nor’easter, hoping CL&P doesn’t break that record.
Access road, not
As of Saturday, 11/3, Day 6, CL&P has a chance of being inducted into the restoration hall of fame.
At 4:30PM, The Ridgefield Press tweets: CL&P now reports 57% of the town has electricity restored and 43% is still without power. More crews are due Sunday.
I’m part of the 43%.
On Sunday, we saw the lights. Got juiced after 5 PM cocktails, a religious experience.
Monday, 11/5 – still don’t have cable, a luxury I can do without, not really. Are you listening, Comcast? You suck!
Finally, got online today, Thursday, 11/8, after countless phone calls to robotic customer service reps. Two days of stress. Two weeks of hell.
I would have been better off zoning out like the dogs.