Broken News in Boston!

 

Toilet paper

CNN, the Crap News Network

 

Hi, this is Blitz Geezer in Boston along with John Bland, Lance Fancy Pants and Tapioca Pudding.

 

ALL THE NEWS BOBBLEHEADS NOD INDEFINITELY.

 

BLITZ GEEZER

Since we don’t have anything new to report, we’ll talk incessantly about nothing, Tapioca.

 

LANCE FANCY PANTS

No thank you. I just ate.

 

TAPIOCA PUDDING

I think Blitz is talking to me. Well, Blitz, my source tells me that shortly before the bombing, Lance bought a pair of Dockers at the Saks Fifth Avenue that had provided authorities with key surveillance video of the bombing suspects. Lance reportedly sat down, got a salesman’s attention by waving his arms and then tried on several pairs of shoes before buying the Dockers with a credit card.

 

BLITZ

Can we get a shot of Lance’s shoes?

 

CAMERA CUTS TO LANCE’S SHOES.

 

BLITZ

Nice!

 

ALL THE NEWS BOBBLEHEADS NOD INDEFINITELY.

 

BLITZ

With all the walking we did around Boston, we all need a new pair of shoes. TOUCHES EARPIECE. One moment. We have breaking news…on Twitter. Swat teams have surrounded Suspect #2.

 

JOHN BLAND

You’re kidding. I thought Suspect #2 was in custody.

 

BLITZ

Apparently, a homeowner called authorities after seeing blood on his boat in his backyard.

 

JOHN BLAND

Who keeps a boat in a backyard the size of my bathroom?

 

BLITZ

Wait…more breaking news on Twitter. A police chopper, hovering above the yard, has infrared images of the suspect hiding inside the boat.

 

JOHN BLAND

Are you sure the suspect’s not in custody. My source told me hours ago there was an arrest.

 

BLITZ

Lance, what can you tell us. What are you seeing on the ground?

 

LANCE

A hot, steaming pile of dog shit. Apparently, a neighbor who walked his dog after the lock-down was lifted, didn’t bag the poop. I almost stepped in it with my new Dockers that I bought at the Saks that provided key video evidence to police.

 

BLITZ

Lance, are you hearing anything from your location?

 

LANCE

Let me check Twitter. HE CHECKS SMARTPHONE. Yes, Blitz. I’m hearing an exchange of gun fire and several explosions.

 

BLITZ

How ’bout you Tapioca?

 

TAPIOCA

On Facebook, their reporting that hostage negotiations are taking place.

 

LANCE

I’m listening to a live police radio broadcast from a link I got on Twitter…They just apprehended the suspect…and I’ve got a blister on my big toe from my new shoes.

 

TAPIOCA

Twitter reports that people are celebrating in the streets, and I just found a great Sushi place on Google Maps.

 

BLITZ

Now that Suspect #2 is in custody, we can replay hours of nonstop speculative yammering by reporters that preceded the arrest.

 

JOHN BLAND

Blitz, my source tells me that an arrest has been made…

 

I’m participating in Silly Sunday, hosted by Sandy of ComedyPlus.

silly-sunday-badge-250-transparent-150x150

 

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17 Comments

  1. Phil
    Twitter:
    says:

    LOL! This is too funny! it is another reason why I won’t bother with CNN anymore!

  2. Comedy Plus
    Twitter:
    says:

    Bwahahahahahahahaha, oh wait, why am I laughing? Well this is pretty accurate.

    Have a fabulous Silly Sunday. :)
    Comedy Plus invites you to read Silly Sunday #77My Profile

  3. Oh my. It WAS that bad, wasn’t it?

    I avoided the television when I could.
    ReformingGeek invites you to read Code name WhatTheHeckMy Profile

  4. Nicky says:

    But what we all want to know is: did Lance’s shoes make it out of this okay? I saw on Twitter that they were, at one time, suspects in the bombing. And everyone on Reddit upvoted the shoes’ We Are Bombing Suspects: AMA post but then suddenly all the chatter stopped and I never found out what happened to them!
    Nicky invites you to read My World… Sort OfMy Profile

    • Lauren
      Twitter:
      says:

      hahahaha! The shoes were seen leaving a pub on Boylston Street last night around 2 a.m. An eyewitness told authorities, “…the shoes were weaving back and forth along the sidewalk and then crashed into a trash can.” Shortly afterward, the shoes were apprehended and then questioned by Dr. Scholl’s in the psychiatric unit of the hospital.
      Lauren invites you to read The Widowed Sock FoundationMy Profile

  5. June O'Hara
    Twitter:
    says:

    This is hysterical!! They always have CNN on in my gym. I feel your pain.
    June O’Hara invites you to read The Facebook DebacleMy Profile

  6. I swear half the time they MAKE UP the News.
    meleah rebeccah invites you to read Have You Seen Me, Lately?My Profile

  7. kasabiangirl says:

    What a funny post, Lauren. You have summed the news nicely. Can’t stop myself from smiling when I read your posts :) You remain a firm favorite of mine…Have a nice day!

  8. You nailed it! When the second suspect was being cornered in the boat I was on Twitter with the TV going in the background and the Twitter guy was about 15 minutes ahead of of the TV people in what was going on.
    injaynesworld invites you to read injaynesworld it’s “The Colony…”My Profile

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