New Series. CSI: Miami Hypochondriacs.

Miami Beach, FloridaImage via Wikipedia

THEY’RE SMART!
THEY’RE SAVVY!
THEY’RE A PAIN IN THE ASS!
THEY’RE CSI: MIAMI HYPOCHONDRIACS.

INT. LIVING ROOM – CRIME SCENE

TANYA
What a butcher! I’ve never seen so much blood.

TOM
He should have stuck to deli meats. I hope the wife didn’t have an airborne blood disease.

TANYA
Shaking Head
After we wrap this up, let’s go for some aroma therapy.  By the way, I hear the roast beef’s on sale.

TOM
Wait! I think I found something. Bends over, picks up a piece of fabric. Arrrrgh!  He stands up, clutching his lower back.

TANYA
You’ve got to bend from the knees. Though, I once tore a tendon just from standing.

TOM
Examines fabric.
This looks like a piece of deli apron.  Is that Virginia ham?  Bags it. Hands it to a cop. Have the medical examiner check for DNA and apron fibers underneath the fingernails. And get me an I.D. on the ham.

TANYA
Damn! I’ve got a bleeding hangnail. I hope it doesn’t get infected.

TOM
Let me take a look.  He grabs her gloved hand. Owe!  My back. The nail looks very red. That can’t be good. I know a good hangnail specialist. He comes highly recommended.

TANYA
God. I hope he doesn’t have to amputate. I don’t know if I can live with one nail shorter than the rest. It’ll throw everything off balance. How will I ever hold a pen again?

TOM
They have prosthetics.

TANYA
It’s just not the same thing.

TOM
There’s an excellent nail rehab center down the block. In just six weeks, you’ll be able to scratch an itch.

TANYA
Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. I don’t want to think about mosquito bites and West Nile Virus.  Sneezes.

TANYA AND TOM
Aroma therapy!

Stay tuned for the next episode of CSI: Miami Hypochondriacs.

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